[转贴]：Jokes

rave

WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION


Dear Consumers:


It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS
98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped
outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need
some help understanding the commands.


The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique
opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 98, with a background
picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a
Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard
screen saver.


Please also note:


The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "roll of duct tape" pops up


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
    OK .. . . . . . .ats aw-right
    Cancel . . . . .stopdat
    Reset. . . . . . try er agin
    Yes . . ... . . . yep
    No . . . . ... . .noop
    Find . . . . ... .hunt fer it
    Go to. . . . .. .over yonder
    Back . . . . .. .back yonder
    Help . . . . .. .hep me out here
    Stop . . . . .. .kwitit
    Start . . . . ... crank er up
    Settings . .. . settins
    Programs . . . stuff dat duz stuff
    Documents .. stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.

  Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
    Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . . a word processing program
    Colerin book . . . . . .  a graphics program
    Cyferin mersheen . . . calculator
    Outhouse paper . . . . notepad
    Iner-net . . . . . . . . . .  Microsoft Explorer 4.0
    Pichers . . . . . . . . . . . a graphics viewer
    Dern lit varmit . . . . . . a mouse

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused ifin you
received a copy f the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it
to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this heps all y'all!


Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho  <<Thomas L Martins.vcf>>

rave

LETTER FROM Dick

I, Dick, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


******************* Reply ***********************
Dear Dick,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in  order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the     
  day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the   
  workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

译：

DICK的来信

我，DICK，现要求加薪。因为：
我干体力活
我的工作地点很深
不管干什么，我的头总先进去
没有周未及公共假日
工作地点潮湿
没有加班工资
工作场所昏暗且通风条件不佳
我在高温下工作
工作导致我接触传染病。


******************* 回复 ***********************
亲爱的DICK,

在评估完你的要求，以及你列举的原因后，总部拒绝了你的诉求，因为：
你的连续工作时间未超过8小时
工作期间你经常打盹
你并不总是依照主管的命令执行任务
你并不总是呆在规定的工作场所，经常到其它地方溜达
你工作态度不好，自觉性差，需要压迫或刺激才肯工作
你工作过后总是把工作场所弄得很脏
你总是不遵守必须的安全条例，比方说穿戴恰当的防护服装
65岁不到，你就会退休
你不能连续工作两班
你有时在没有完成指定的任务前，就逃离工作地点
最后，我们还想说的是
你每次进出工作场所时——总是带着两个可疑的球形口袋。

rave

Ride bike
老外的图片接龙也不赖

rave

Ode to a Breast

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"Okay," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!


My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good,"
I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.


ONE FOR THE LADIES !!!!

rave

没人笑啊
唉, 看来我们的English 实在是...

为吸引眼球，汉化了Letter from dick

其它的，有请高明.